Where Have All the Good Men Gone?
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Where Have All the Good Men Gone?
You are frustrated by the kinds of men you have been meeting. You are beginning to think there might be something wrong with you. "Where have all the good men gone?" you ask yourself. You really want to love and be loved by someone you can respect, someone whose heart is open to you, someone you can live with who won't drive you crazy. Why are such mate-able men so hard to find?
Usually, women who have an eye for quality snap up good relationship material early. Natural instinct impels them to select an optimal mate. So the men who have good characters, personalities, work habits, hygiene, empathy, and rational behavior have been culled from the herd early by discerning women who want to marry them. Add good grooming to the mix and they are great catches. What is left, and are out there roaming around looking for a mate are The Dirty Seven.
Or, maybe you can't put your finger on why you are not happy with the guy you are seeing. He is not an obviously terrible person who would harm you intentionally. So you think that the behaviors that trouble you will go away through the powerful love you offer him. But if he is one of The Dirty Seven, cut your losses and say your good-byes.
When you met him the chemistry was good. The hormones were flowing and they overtook your logic. So you were not attuned to the patterns that are driving you up the wall right now. Dating is one thing, sharing a life is another. Dating behavior may sometimes obscure the underlying character flaw that typifies the dead-end guy. He may have been able a to keep his Dirty-Seven-ness under wraps during the ritualized structure of a date. But over time he shows that he cannot keep up the pretenses.
You will waste a lot of time kissing Dirty Seven frogs but they never turn into princes. They have an underlying problem that runs like a river through all their types: A special kind of selfishness that makes them incapable of giving your needs fair play. They lack a quality known as empathy: They can't put themselves in your position or even try to imagine what you are feeling. I call it me-ism. They are out there looking for a relationship, but their me-ism keeps them from being successful in finding or keeping one.
They're Obviously Oblivious
These guys characteristically concentrate on themselves or their problems, put themselves first, without really noticing that they do it or how it is affecting you. They may be "the nicest guys in the world," but they show you in different ways that you are second or last on their agendas. Yet they are not conscious that they are so obvious about it. An example is the ScarMan, who spends so much time talking about his "ex" he hardly looks at you as you sit across the table from him. He cannot see, that if you were the one yakking away nonstop through dinner about your ex, he'd be looking for the escape hatch. He also cannot see that you are out with him to have a good time, not hear an endless monologue on some woman you don't even know.
I have spent many years dating and being married and dating again, and being married, and dating again, and being married and dating again. I have lived in different states and different countries over these years and have met hundreds of men. Through time I noticed certain behavior patterns in most of the men that my friends and I were meeting. I began to classify them, like the anthropologist, or naturalist in the field. I then organized my findings into seven categories to avoid.
The fieldwork I did will save you a lot of trouble. You will be able to spot and avoid these guys without guesswork about their potential. Since they have none, you will pass them by the way you'd pass a road marked "Dead End" on your journey towards your destination.
Most currently available books on relationships concentrate on how the woman can catch, please, or understand a man. They focus on mistakes women make because they "love too much" or on how to increase sexual pleasure for both parties. Some are on building self-esteem so you will be a better partner. One or two books are on judging compatibility with potential mates or astrological matches. With The Dirty Seven, there is no compatibility and no potential. You don't have to even ask yourself, "Will we be compatible?" The answer is "no." His me-ism will always make it an unequal pairing.
But what about relationship books aimed at the guys? Besides books on sex techniques, and understanding the Venutian woman, I didn't see much on the personal character traits of a good mate. I didn't see any books on what qualities must be present for a relationship between equals to thrive. "Be yourself" is common advice, but no one talks about whether the self you are is worth being. Being yourself might mean being one of The Dirty Seven.
Male magazines tell guys how to dress and what to do on dates to get girls to fall for them. They show the latest grown-up toys, stories on celebrities, and some cultural and health news. But they never approach talking about the ingredients that make a man a great partner. Perhaps the editors believe that character issues belong to the religious institutions and families. Character does not sell magazines, surface and appearance does.
When parents sit down with their sons to talk about "the birds and the bees," they talk about the biological factors of mating. Maybe they talk about safe sex. But it is rare for parents to inform their sons about avoiding the inherent selfishness that is The Dirty Seven fatal flaw. The religious institutions tell us about the qualities that make up a good person, which are the same for making a great mate. But they do not show us the types of overriding selfishness that are the kiss of death in love matters.
This guide is not about male-bashing. Good men exist. Many have been taken, it is true, but good men are out there. They are the ones who have the capacity to be supportive of you and give what you want and need in a relationship. They have the ability to care about you and show their generous hearts. Your love increases for them because they keep doing things that nurture your interconnectedness. But finding one takes patience. Many women give up because they are afraid they don't have time to meet a gem. They settle for The Dirty Seven.
This guide is not about all men. It is about a segment of men to beware of if you have certain goals.
Beware The Dirty Seven
Beware of them, if you are looking for a fulfilling love relationship that produces mutual happiness. They are not mate material. Things cannot work out if you are looking for a satisfying and lasting relationship with one of these creatures. Eventually these men may evolve and change with time, on their own, but don't think you can change them through reasoning with them. Entering a relationship thinking about all the things you are going to change about a person doesn't work anyway.
You will learn to recognize the types. You will then be able to steer clear of them, weed them out, or toss them back. You can then concentrate on something and someone with a future.
Not Looking Right Now
Everyone would like to have someone they can love and who loves them back. But maybe your search is on hold because of other commitments, such as finishing school or work obligations. If you are not looking for a satisfying love relationship right now, this guide will help you recognize patterns of behavior that will serve for future reference. You can also help a friend who is ignorantly involved with one of the Dirties. She has been confiding her unhappiness to you but can't exactly understand the problem.
You can point to a chapter and say, "He sounds like he is a 'BagMan.' That's classic behavior! Don't take it so personally! BagMen bring their past messy entanglements into your relationship and you are expected to deal with them. His ex-wives still call him because he is behind in his alimony payments, and his teenage kids are moving in with you. One of them has a drug problem. Oh, and there is his old Rottweiler with bladder control problems. This guy is just being true to type!"
If you are already in a happy relationship, you will feel glad that you are out of the game. You will congratulate yourself that your mate is not one of them by definition. Happiness and The Dirty Seven are mutually exclusive. You are happy because you and your mate care equally about the relationship and are able to sustain this caring. A Dirty Seven relationship is one way: He is happy with it; you are not.
Also, in a happy relationship, if there are behaviors that trouble you, you can speak to your mate about them and he will work on them, or you can have a rational discussion about it. Dirty Seven guys don't even want to change to accommodate you. They don't have the insight to think that they might have a problem. The only change possible is your own attitude so that you can tolerate the fact that you and your needs are left out in the cold.
No Hard-core Problems
Though these guys put their agendas first at all times and you second or last, they do not necessarily have other, more destructive problems that are surefire relationship killers. They are not overtly mean, violent, or dangerous. They can be genuinely fun to be with on many levels and be very attractive. This guide does not deal with ruinous problems that control people's lives, such as hard drug and alcohol addiction, abusive behavior, or compulsive gambling.
The Dirty Seven can be low, but they are not the lowest of the low. SideMan, for example, is a liar. But he can't see the harm he is doing, because no blood is shed or lives lost. He's just wasted your time, that's all. That's not so important.
They are not like Sonny, a man I once dated. He had one characteristic of The Dirty Seven: He looked "normal." But that's where the similarity stopped. He had a hard-core problem: He didn't tell me he had murdered his wife by decapitation. He was now looking for a new mate and had asked a trusted family friend to help him find someone. She selected me. I found out later, through newspaper articles that he had gotten off on a legal technicality. He was a dangerous and devious psychopath. Of course you would avoid men of this type.
You don't need to be told, "Avoid people who would steal from you or beat you up." Though many women stay in ugly relationships with men who abuse them, I assume you have enough self-respect to stay away from people who hurt you over and over again. You already understand that a guy who breakfasts on heroin or breaks your jaw for "talking back" is not a good candidate for a mate. Though many women, against common sense, stay in hellish relationships because of their low self-image, I do not address that issue.
Since you already have common sense, I am offering you information to fine-tune it. For example, you might think that your intense love will be the one thing that will turn that GuyMan (Chapter 4) around. He's a sweet guy and he has no bad habits, such as chain-smoking cheap cigars. You have always heard that relationships require work, so you will work hard at loving him even more than you do now. But nobody should have to work that hard!
Normally, overwhelming love solves a lot of problems in a relationship. The problem is, you are the one doing the overwhelming loving and he cannot and does not reciprocate.
Women: No Saints Either
I am also not saying that all women are good mate material and all the problems are on the men's side. I have observed and classified the Dirty Seven Sisters in my second book, Booby Trapped: Men Beware!. In it, I talk about such types as: Needy Nellie, The PMS Queen, The Wedding Belle, The Psychobabbler, and The Mom.
These ladies will send a shiver of recognition up the spine of any guy who has been out there on the dating scene. They may be beautiful, even innocent looking, as they lure you into their clutches. It is easier to fall into their webs than to get out. The Dirty Seven Sisters: Men Beware will help you sort through these types and not even start with them. They are no angels! Their character flaws are as poisonous to a good relationship as any of The Dirty Seven.
Men have not cornered the market on me-ism. Of course, the same qualities that make The Dirty Seven poor choices, as mates, are also deplorable in females. They just manifest themselves in different ways. Of course there are women out there that want something for nothing, cheat, lie, and mess up every relationship they attempt with their clueless behavior. They are not worthy of being mates, either. Apart from these, are seven other types that will drive a man insane with their own brand of insecurities, self-centeredness, and passivity.
In the last chapter of this guide, "Questions and Answers," I draw parallels between The Dirty Seven and the female versions of these guys.
Already in Love with One
Just in case you are already in love with one of these guys, I offer understanding of why you are on a downhill slide. Most members of The Dirty Seven fraternity have been tossed back on the shores of the dating beach for a reason. If you have snapped one up, you may have found some redeeming features that are salvageable. But struggling to change the rest of him won't work. Or, perhaps you have learned to live with the intolerable, because it is the only thing you know, therefore you excuse it.
For example, maybe your mother had a live-in boyfriend whom she supported because he couldn't keep a job. You saw him lying around on the couch while your mother exhausted herself to keep the family unit afloat. It's what you saw growing up. So it was OK with you when Jim the YAPpie (Chapter 5) moved in with you.
As you leave for work at 6:00 AM, he is still sleeping. You feel a familiar twinge of resentment, but you laugh it off. You know he won't get up until noon, because he was up all night listening to music. After a day of traffic and hard work, you stop off for food on the way home. You open the door to your place (he is not helping with the rent or mortgage) to see him and his buddies sitting around watching TV. He asks you, "What's for dinner, Hon? I invited the guys over. I hope it's OK! Oh, and while you're up, can you get us some beers?"
"That's the way guys are," you say to yourself. "Besides, I love him and I've put so much time into him already. I don't want to start that whole dating scene again. The devil I know is better than the devil I don't know."
"I don't deserve better than this," is what you really mean. You are not ecstatic when he asks you once again to spot him for some cash. He owes you a lot already. You really won't be happy when he leaves you for someone who will buy him more than you can. She's younger than you anyway and he was in it for the good times. Lighten up! Why are you taking it so seriously? Don't you know there are plenty more of his type out there? It is the most abundant of The Dirty Seven categories. You can find another one tomorrow.
Yes, The Dirty Seven are out there looking for someone. They want a mate but they are not mate-able. I have to say this many times because our culture of denial believes that everyone can get better just through hoping it will happen. Listen to me: They are not called The Dirty Seven for nothing. They do not get "better," so let them go their own way!
The standard date, which is dinner and an activity afterwards, is not a good venue for finding a mate. Exceptions exist, where there was love at first sight and both people were compatible and emotionally mature. But in general, people put on their best smiles, their party faces and manners, and act a role that is more like a job interview than romance. Luckily, some of The Dirty Seven display their wretched qualities even under these circumstances. But some hide them nicely, until you are entangled with them and it is difficult to get out.
You have to see what a person's behavior is over time. One of the reasons we have such high divorce rates is because people fall in love with appearance, sexuality, and chemistry. But these things have nothing to do with being able to live with each other on a daily basis. Mistaking chemistry for love is the delusion that keeps people hurling through the funhouse of relationships, mistaking beauty for goodness in the distorted mirrors of a surface-worshipping culture.
I have known too many couples that began with lavish weddings and great displays of their undying love, end in ugly divorce battles. Clueless they began, and clueless they ended. They had on their party masks before the marriage. They made promises and were profuse with words. Afterwards, when the prey was bagged, the masks slipped. They showed with their actions that their words meant nothing. It was impossible to live together now. Too bad they didn't find that out before the wedding.
The Dirty Internet
If dating is a superficial way of getting to know what a person is really like, the Internet is even sketchier. It is full of wandering Dirties, looking to lure the bored housewife, office-worker, or anyone else who has so much time on their hands, they can spend hours on chatrooms and dating services. Clue: They have no lives, thus they can spend hours on the computer looking for people to hook up with. Their social skills and physical endowments are low and they know they won't do well face-to-face.
Why do they use the Internet? Because they can lure you with words and you can't even see the lying expressions on their faces. They can say anything about themselves and post false photos. They know that most women would disqualify them immediately if they met them in a personal encounter, so they hope they can wiggle their way in through the wires. Forty-year-olds turn up to be octogenarians. Men turn out to be women. Singles turn out to be married.
Ellie was one of the Internet casualties. She was upset with her indifferent husband and demanding kids. She had become their personal servant in a drab routine of a life. And her job was boring too. So just for fun one day, she got onto a chat room. She started a Personal Message with Rocky III. By the end of the day, he was telling her he would like to walk along the beach holding her hand and sing all his favorite love-songs to her. The next day he told her he wanted to grow old with her and that he loved her.
She left her husband and kids the next month to join "Rocky III" in Puerto Rico. He lived in a corrugated tin shack and had been writing to her on the Internet at the garage where he worked as a mechanic. He told her to meet her at the garage instead of his house because his wife just wouldn't understand. He apologized to her for not mentioning that he also had six children. He told her he really didn't expect her to come out to visit, because, like SideMan (Chapter 2) he was just looking for a little fun on the side.
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