Avoiding the Booby Traps
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Avoiding the Booby Traps
This book is a man' s guide to choosing a date, girlfriend, wife, or lover. Its purpose is to eliminate heartache and expense for those who heed its lessons. The dating jungle is booby-trapped with dangers you may not recognize. It is not all fun and thrills when you get hooked by one of the Dirty Seven Sisters. They may be all right for one or two dates but try spending a lifetime with them and you will know the true meaning of the word "misery." TV shows like The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Change of Heart, The Dating Game, Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?, Joe Millionaire, Married by America, Mr. Personality, and Blind Date present a kinder-gartner's eye-view of dating. A man spends a few minutes with an attractive girl, surrounded by cameras, and they are now ready to get married and have children together. What if one of these beauties is a Dirty Seven Sister? We do not see that part, because it is always off camera.
Along for the Ride
Nature has played an interesting trick on you, the human male. Your brain is often just along for the ride when it comes to choosing a mate. Your penis is doing the driving and the brain is the passenger. As Robin Williams said, commenting on the Clinton/Lewinsky affair, "God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time." This book is designed to help you keep your mind in the driver's seat when it comes to picking women. It will give you the tools to be able to recognize and avoid the noxious and obnoxious females who are like Angel of Death mushrooms, beautiful yet deadly. Lesson #1: Beautiful does not necessarily mean good.
Sex and Survival
Your mating instincts propel you to couple with someone who is sexually attractive to you. All of nature is the same when it comes to mating. The continuation of our species depends on this attraction. Testosterone drives your body so you can reproduce yourself, as most animals do on this planet, through fertilizing a female. Male-female relationship problems would not exist if we all reproduced like amoebas, by cell division. But even animals on the more complex end of the evolutionary scale do not deal with the personality or character of their mates to the extent that we do. Horses, dogs and cats do not have mates that make their lives emotionally, psychologically, financially and physically miserable the way the Dirty Seven Sisters can make yours.
Character and Personality?
Character and personality do not figure into the mix when the silverback gorilla impregnates the females in his group, or when cur-dogs unselfconsciously mate in the street. Personality plays no role in the mating of huge flocks of look-alike penguins in the Antarctic. They are concerned about surviving the rigors of the environment. But in your case the rigors of the environment are not the issue. You are not clinging to an icy precipice, as stormy waves threaten to fling you into the Antarctic Sea. Yet the hardship of living with one of the Dirty Seven Sisters is just as nerveracking. The physical threats are merely transposed to an apartment or a house in a city or town where there is no peace of mind, emotional safety, or happiness for you as long as you are with her.
Who Are They?
The Dirty Seven Sisters are females who do not make good mates, partners, wives, girlfriends, or even lovers. They have personality and character flaws that override any other aspect, including their good looks. You might be lured by their looks or by the sex they offer. You have your natural needs and these drive you toward her. However, over time you will begin to think that the penguin's life on the precarious iceberg is a piece of cake compared to yours. As far as we know, a penguin' s mate's behavior and attitudes do not destroy his happiness on this earth. At least he does not show it on his mask-like face.
From a primal viewpoint, you are driven by natural instincts to reproduce and are a puppet to your genes, which run the show and pull the strings. As a human being, you have other needs too, such as emotional closeness and companionship. The problem is, the way many men go about fulfilling these needs is ineffective in the long run. When it comes to females, the fantasy world takes over and the reality of the woman in front of you seems irrelevant. Later you have to deal with your poor choices: Predatory females who want to live off of your earnings (The Material Girls); clingy, needy basket cases who follow you around like puppy dogs (Needee Nellies), shrewish-know-it-alls (The Moms), non-stop talkers (Psycho Babblers), flirts who cannot settle on one man (Shopaholicas), and other examples of the Dirty Seven Sisters.
Genes in Jeans
Here is an example of the sway of fantasy over reality when it comes to female selection. You are in a nightclub full of writhing, sensual bodies throbbing to the pulse of the music. The genes in your jeans are revving up their reproductive engines. The character of the sexy female swaying her hips in front of you and bouncing her breasts is the last thing on your mind. Actually, not much is on your mind, except dreams of being with her and getting physically closer. You have had a couple of drinks, maybe some drugs. She is smiling at you and taking you in with her eyes. She wants you. You can see she is willing. The genes in your jeans take over. You leave with her and make passionate love in your car.
Years Later. . . .
You have done the right thing. You married her because she was pregnant with your baby. Your personal dreams are pushed to the back burner. You are stuck in a job you hate only because it is a steady income that provides for her and the kids. But she is impossible to live with. She is a PMS Queen. Her mood swings are unpredictable and she is constantly resentful because you cannot read her mind. You are supposed to anticipate her every need. Unfortunately, you never get it right. You are miserable and feel trapped. The punishment is way out of proportion to the crime.
You could leave, but if you did, you' d miss your children and the alimony payments could still keep you handcuffed to your job. Besides, if you find someone else who captures your interest, she might be another type of the Dirty Seven Sisters. Thus it is important for you to use your brain to override the strange trick Nature has played on the human race. Like the baboon that is attracted to the female with the brightest red nether regions, your genes impel you to be attracted to appearances as an indication of health and suitability as a mate. Your sexuality is physically on the level of the animals, but your brain has evolved many notches beyond that level.
It is time to move beyond our ape ancestors and employ selectivity based on something more than the sex drive. If you need to get laid on a regular basis it does not mean you have to sacrifice your life to this cause. You can choose a non-Dirty Seven Sister and still have everything else you want in your life. You can be with a great mate and also have the other things that make up a happy life:
* Interesting work and recreation
* A fulfilling emotional and sex life
* A loving and supportive partner
* Self-respect and the respect of others
* Other forms of wealth and health
But if you get booby trapped by a Dirty Seven Sister, you will not experience much of the above, except possibly financial wealth because you will have become a workaholic in your efforts to stay away from home. Often the Dirty Seven Sisters take you for all you are worth too, however, so do not count on retaining wealth either. I have seen men who work long hours and then take their work home at night too as a way of avoiding their partners. Accomplishing one task after another in an endless workload drowns out the sadness or boredom they feel towards their home life. The workplace, especially after hours, offers them peace and they feel they are at least in control of something in their lives. They also see some results for their efforts, which they do not with their Dirty Seven Sister wives.
Many men want to get married to someone they love and create a happy family with her. If this is one of your main goals in life, here is your guide to eliminating the ladies who lure you in but later backslide when they are sure they have snared you. The Dirty Seven Sisters do not get better with time. If anything, they become more difficult as time passes and their poor behavior increases to critical mass. Therefore it is extremely important to sort through the women you are considering. Then you will not wonder, as your PMS Queen wife snarls and throws a cup at your head, "Where did I go wrong? She was so beautiful and nice, before I married her?" It is unfortunate, but some men put more thought into buying a car than into the kind of woman they marry. So if you do not want to be stuck with a lemon, check things out before you buy.
Maybe you are a man who has not exactly figured out what you want to do in life. You have no plans, except to keep your head above water day by day and to have some fun at night until you decide what you want to do. Start planning, even if it is against your nature. "Too many children are the result of a bottle of whiskey on a Saturday night," (John Lennon) and you might inadvertently end up with one of them. If you are drifting around in relationships, you too can get derailed by one of these ladies. You must put thought into your love relationships or you will be thrown out into the workforce, willy-nilly, to support a family you carelessly created after a party one night.
It is rare to see men browsing in the self-help/relationship sections of bookstore. "Men are not like that," booksellers say. "They are not going to read a book about women to avoid if they want a happy relationship. Who thinks about a chick's character issues when the testosterone is flowing freely?" Look at all the unclothed female flesh on display. What sells magazines and books? Sex! Who cares what happens after that? Boobs, butts, and other body parts on display everywhere further impel the mating instinct fueled by your genes and fantasy.
As an experiment, go to a newsstand and read the topics displayed in men's magazines. You will notice that few authors deal with the subject of selecting the right mate. You might find some that focus on how to pick up, talk with, and impress a lady so she will go out with you or sleep with you. You will find articles on keeping your love fresh, how to dress to attract, and how to behave like you know your way around a wine list and a bedroom. But you will not see much written on determining the quality of the woman for whom you are going through all that effort. You will not have much help in dealing with what happens after the first few dates. The articles are all based on the beginnings of things, not the endings. Messy endings especially are not sexy, so they don't sell.
Our DNA ensures the precept that sex sells! Porn stars who were once grinding it out on cheap motel sets are now multimillionaires because of their Fee-paying Members Only websites on the Internet. One porn queen makes over a half a million dollars a month. She is in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the most downloaded woman in the world, having totaled over a billion individual viewings by paying customers. The men who download her seek the fantasy and are willing to pay for it. The problem with the Dirty Seven Sisters is that men do not realize that their fantasy is not the reality, until it is too late. By then they are paying far more for it than a year's membership to a porn site.
Maybe you are the kind of man who approaches the subject of a woman's behavior like this: "I'll date her for a while and if she's too much of a pain, I'll dump her." This is fine if the dumping is done early enough. But some of the Sisters only reveal their true natures after you have married them. Then the dumping can be expensive, hurtful, and time consuming. You might be stuck with them in one form or another for as long as you live. Alimony is expensive and some of these Sisters' (The Material Girls) plans include milking you to the max.
Booby Trap Prevention
We all know that prevention is much less expensive than fixing a problem once it has occurred. It is cheaper to eat healthy foods than to have a triple bypass and a restricted life. The purpose of this book is preventive: To warn you up-front to stay away from these women. Bypass your DNA, which doesn't know that the gorgeous creature you want to attract is really a Needee Nellie (smothering and insecure). At first you do not see this as you cuddle with her on the couch. Her hair is soft and glistening. She looks so kissable, and she is smiling into your face. All you can think of is feeling her soft skin close to your body.
The Moment of Truth
Soon, way too soon (at her suggestion), you move in together. Now she starts showing her Needee Nellie selfhood in all its adhesive glory: She calls you every 15 minutes at work to make sure that you love her. She wants to go everywhere with you, including outings with your friends. She makes your life her life and waits by the window until you come home. How could you ever have thought that this dependent, smothering, black hole of need was sexy and appealing? It's a little late now. You are stuck with the consequences of your mindless selection process. You can move out, but that may not be the end. She might continue to call you, even stalk you, because she needs you so badly. Then you realize: You've been booby trapped by one of the Dirty Seven Sisters!
We' re No Angels
It is time for many of us women to be honest with ourselves. Some of us have gotten away with blaming men for too many of our relationship difficulties. Our own behavior may be at fault. One of the reasons our behavior is not called into question may be that the majority of "how to" relationship books and articles are written by women. The topics they choose are what publishers and marketers think will sell to women: How to attract, understand, and keep a man. They do not address a woman's basic character as a possible relationship killer or keeper. They do not go into what makes a woman worthy of attracting and keeping a relationship with a good mate.
Like men's magazines, women's periodicals focus on physical appearance with a tilt towards fashion and surface. A glossy magazine called Character, featuring inwardly beautiful people, would not be a big seller. It would be like the nightly news reporting on all the people not murdered, raped, or swindled. Good news does not sell papers or magazines. How many people would want to watch the Jerry Springer show if it were about people solving their problems reasonably, helping each other, and being thoughtful? Confidential magazine, which had record sales when it reported dirt on celebrities, went out of business when it began to publish only positive stories about these people. It's no fun to read about people behaving well and showing good character.
Being easy to live with is not an exciting subject that stimulates strong emotions of desire, envy, yearning, and sexuality. The soap operas would quickly fizzle without scandalous high jinx and betrayals. A movie about a happy couple living peacefully together would be a yawn! Hollywood understands this and does not produce any. But a movie about how a gorgeous girl sets about to sabotage her best friend's wedding and steal away with the groom, grosses millions of dollars. This beauty is a weasel. But she is a stylish weasel who goes through the scenes with a carefree smile, flipping her curls over her twinkling eyes. She is so sexy and yet so girl-next-door! Only a nerd would question, "What kind of a back-stabber would do such an underhanded thing to a friend?"
Unhappily Ever After
Movies obviously cater to the fantasy world of appearances and escape. Their creators know that moviegoers are not really interested in delving into issues of character and disposition, especially as related to beautiful women. To be beautiful is to be good, or, conversely, to be a beautiful femme fatale is evil, in an exciting way (Lena Olin in Romeo is Bleeding) . You will not see too many Dirty Seven Sisters in the movies. No one wants to see a film about what it is like to live with a behaviorally deficient, constant pain-in-the-neck. The public is unwilling to pay money to see such discomfort. It seems too much like real life. Why pay for what they might have at home? It only has entertainment value as comedy. But the actuality is no laughing matter.
The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware!
In my first book, The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware!, I describe the types of dead-end men women must avoid if they are looking for happiness with a mate. If a lady stays with one of them, she is destined to giving far more than she receives from a man who does not pull his weight in the relationship. His "me-ism," or lack of empathy, results in behaviors that wear the woman down with aggravation, annoyance, exasperation, frustration, and stress. Therefore, the only solution is to pass on them completely, or get out if already involved. Like the Dirty Seven Sisters, these men only get worse over time.
The Dirty Seven Sisters have different problems than their male counterparts. With the men, me-ism is the common thread that unites each of the Dirty Seven characters. With the Dirty Seven Sisters, it is not as clear-cut. Some of them manifest a certain inner emptiness, which cancels them out as good mates (Needee Nellie, The Material Girl, and The Wedding Belle). Some have control issues (The Mom, The PMS Queen). One has reliability, consistency, and sincerity problems (Shopaholica). One humorlessly dissects even the smallest things in the relationship until it dies or stalks you emotionally until you rue the day you ever met (The Psycho Babbler).
Bait and Switch
One characteristic that many of the Seven Sisters have in common is the bait and switch tactic. They act and look one way before you move in together or get married. After they have bagged their mates, they do not make the effort to be nice or considerate anymore. They let themselves go physically, emotionally, or intellectually. Exceptions exist such as the Pretty Pennies, who spend their lives selfgrooming and make no pretense of having any depth even at the beginning. Psycho Babblers also show their hand by examining the relationship intensely from the outset, often rushing the inspection before you even know it is a relationship. Needee Nellies will also give you some warning about themselves up front, when your Caller ID registers how often they call after only a few dates.
Pass on them, unless you want to hold their hands through therapy, which may take years, with no guarantee of success. Personality problems are very difficult to cure. You may wind up going to therapy yourself, thinking it is your problem. It will become your problem if you stay with them. If you have masochistic tendencies these women are right for you. But if you are not fascinated with problem behavior, or are more comfortable with happiness than misery, stop! You will not find peace and joy with any one of these personality types. If you are looking for a girlfriend or a wife who adds to your life instead of sapping energy from it, recognize these Dirty Seven Sisters and move on.
It is important for you to get this message one more time. If a woman is beautiful, it does not necessarily mean she is a good mate. The beauty and fashion industry, which financially support most women' s magazines, want women to focus on looking beautiful so they will continually buy new products. Men's girlie magazines show airbrushed, enhanced beauties that inspire fairy-tale breaks from reality. It is easy to idealize a beautiful woman because her perfect face and flawless body excite the same center in the brain (the parietal lobe) that is responsible for the ecstasy of religious experience. What a harsh trick though, when you discover that sweet-faced, ethereal blonde is one of the Dirty Seven Sisters. She is The Mom (bossy, knows everything better than you do) and those soft curves do not block out the nagging.
If you are a man who has been burned by one of the dangerous beauties and think that you will go for a plainer package next time, beware as well. Dirty Seven Sisterhood is no respecter of appearances. Just as fabulous can sometimes be evil, so can just plain frumpy. Men are less inclined to be fooled by frowsy or poorly groomed women than by hotties. This is because they are not attracted to them enough to take the next step and care about their character. Often they will stereotype them as kindly and harmless because they have opted out of the appearance shark pool and try to slip by unnoticed. Warning: Appearance has nothing to do with Dirty Seven Sisterhood. It is all about what is going on inside the woman. That is what you will have to live with.
An Inside Job
Finding the right mate is an inside job. This means it is about finding out what is going on inside the woman you are with. Does she show her beautiful soul and spirit? Does she have a sense of humor that helps her and you through the rough patches of life? Does she talk to you with respect for your personhood? It is also an outside job in the sense that it is about how she behaves. Someone can talk like she has a beautiful soul and yet act like a screaming banshee when you share living quarters with her on a daily basis. She can be unreliable except for being reliably late, sloppy, and draining.
Many women talk a good game. They can pretend to be low-maintenance flower children when they are really drama queen fairy princesses who have hissy fits if they aren't the stars of every show. They can pretend to be acting any number of fairy tale roles over candle-lit dinners and romantic music, while they lay their trap for you. In time their behavior shows them to be the warty troll you only wish lived under the bridge and not with you!
A Man's Own Words
Bob, a seasoned dater, explained it to me this way, "What's really strange is how the DNA and its survival mechanisms start to play tricks on you. Over the weekend I found myself having totally retarded conversations with pretty girls, and actually being interested in whatever dumb bullshit we were talking about. I would smile, and keep talking when ordinarily I would have probably politely excused myself and headed for the exit.
"See, thats one of the weird things about men that most women arent aware of. A lot of women think that men will tell you almost anything that you want to hear, and pretend theyre interested in what you have to say, just to get some sex. But the reality is that the men, for the most part, aren't even aware of it when theyre doing it. Its not really a conscious decision to be full of shit for the most part (although many men will lie and tell you that it is).
"Its really sorta like youre in some testosterone induced hypnotic trance, like cock auto pilot or cruise control. After you blast off, the trance is gone, and youre just sitting there confused. I cant tell you how many times Ive had sex with a chick, and after it was over I was actually confused. I was sitting there thinking:
"Here I am naked, lying in bed with someone I have absolutely nothing in common with, after wasting an entire evening talking to her about retarded bullshit just so I could get some sex, and I wasnt even aware of what I was doing until now.
"Then after the girl senses this, they start to harp on you: Well, I guess you got what you wanted, and now you just want to leave. . . Then the real, conscious lies start. The lies that you tell to try to smooth the situation over so that you can make as guilt free an exit as possible. The lies about work to do in the morning, the lies about having had a great time. . .The most evil lie of all: I'll call you.
"Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that this happens with all sexual interactions between men and women, but for me at least, these kind are surely the most confusing. These are the ones that are purely animal, and totally DNA driven. They CERTAINLY arent the best ones.
"When men and women click, it is truly a fantastic, amazing thing. I love very few things in life more than hanging out with a hot chick with a great sense of humor. Having a great date, with a really fun, intelligent girl is one of the most magical things in all of life for me, but. . . if theres no smart, hot chicks around, I will trick myself into having a cheap evening with a hot dumb-dumb."
A Final Word about Alimony
That cheap evening with a hot dumb-dumb might lead to your entrapment through her pregnancy and one day to a divorce, in which she smartly takes half your earnings. Look at the large alimony settlements some ex-wives are getting. The largest was in 1998: $44 million to a housewife who felt she was entitled to half her husband's earnings even though she did nothing outside of the home to build that fortune. She, like many others, enjoyed the fine lifestyle supported by her high-achieving husband, including household help, caterers, nannies, club memberships, and a social whirl of vacations and parties. The legal system supports and thrives on this kind of parasitism. Awareness is the only thing that can save you from being booby trapped!
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